The last time I performed or did anything on stage in front of people I would estimate I was around 12/13, alongside some acting experience I had later on. After that, I realised although I enjoyed it, acting wasn’t something I could fully commit myself to. So I became interested in the backstage stuff, mostly in terms of filmmaking and editing. Making something that I had complete creative control over was something I wholly embraced.
A few years ago, I fell in love with drag. When I first developed an interest in it, I believed that even though I enjoyed it and could experiment with it, I couldn’t take part in it. That was for men and men alone. That idea is absurd to me know. The idea that women or nonbinary people aren’t allowed to express femininity in the same way cis gay males are makes no sense. Within drag, I found a home that I’d never really found before.
Last night was something I’ve been waiting to do for what feels like a lifetime now. I can’t tell you that I wasn’t sick with nerves, I can’t tell you that the loudest thing in the room didn’t sound like it was my heartbeat and I can’t tell you there wasn’t a voice in my head telling me not to go up. But, rather than take these as negative, I embraced them. I fucking killed the voice inside my head and pushed through every anxiety I’ve ever had. That’s what I’m most proud of.
Having my first performance in my university’s pub wasn’t what I expected. What I expected even less than that was cheers, screams and excitement. This may make me a pessimist, and they may have been pretty drunk, but it was one of the most exhilarating things I’ve ever experienced. I’ve been to plenty of drag shows and whilst the energy I get from them is usually always incredible, this was something untouchable. And, even though when I watch the videos back I have some regrets and there’s some things I would change, I feel like I’m allowed to say I’m proud of myself. Pride isn’t a sin when you have the facts (or in my case, the video) to back it up. Pride isn’t a sin when you’ve worked so long for something that you never knew if you would ever truly reach. Pride isn’t a sin unless you make it one.